We accept the love we think we deserve.
----Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower
The Love We Think We Deserve
There’s a profound weight in the phrase, "We accept the love we think we deserve." At first glance, it seems straightforward, but its simplicity conceals a labyrinth of emotion and self-perception. What does it mean to accept love according to our sense of self-worth? To answer that, we must delve into the intricacies of how we view ourselves and the relationships we build.
To accept love is, by nature, a two-fold process. On one hand, it is about recognizing love when it is offered, and on the other, it is about allowing ourselves to believe we are worthy of it. The key, however, lies in the second part: what we think we deserve.
Our perception of love is often a reflection of our self-image. A person who views themselves as flawed, broken, or undeserving will likely settle for less, believing that anything more would be beyond their reach. The origins of these thoughts can be traced back to our upbringing, past relationships, and the societal narratives we internalize. If we are repeatedly told, either overtly or subtly, that we are unworthy or insufficient, it becomes increasingly difficult to recognize genuine love when it presents itself.
Imagine a person who has faced rejection or emotional neglect throughout their formative years. Such experiences can create a scar, leading them to believe that love is conditional—dependent on their actions, appearance, or achievements. When they enter relationships later in life, they might cling to partners who treat them poorly, unconsciously accepting mistreatment because it aligns with their internalized belief that they do not deserve better. In this way, the love they accept reflects the fractured view they have of themselves.
On the flip side, someone who has been nurtured in an environment of unconditional support and validation is more likely to have a solid sense of self-worth. These individuals approach relationships with the understanding that they are deserving of respect, kindness, and affection. They are more likely to reject relationships that do not honor their value, seeking instead connections that uplift and support them.
But what about the complexity of human emotions? What if someone is self-aware enough to know they deserve better, yet continues to accept less? This is where the idea of love and fear intersect. Love is vulnerable. It requires us to expose the softest parts of ourselves, to risk rejection, and to face the possibility of being hurt. Fear, on the other hand, is protective. It tells us that if we settle for less, we are safer from disappointment. It convinces us that it is better to stay in the familiarity of inadequate love than to venture into the unknown in search of something greater. Fear can keep us anchored in relationships that do not serve us, simply because the alternative feels too risky.
To break free from this cycle requires courage. It demands that we confront our deepest insecurities and recognize where they stem from. It means rewriting the narrative we have been telling ourselves about what we deserve. This is not an easy task, as it requires self-reflection, healing, and the willingness to walk away from anything less than we deserve. It also requires patience with ourselves, understanding that growth and self-acceptance are not linear processes. There will be setbacks, moments of doubt, and times when the love we think we deserve still feels just out of reach.
Ultimately, "We accept the love we think we deserve" challenges us to examine the stories we tell ourselves about love and our worthiness of it. It invites us to ask the difficult questions: Why do we settle? What are we afraid of? And most importantly, how do we change? In answering these questions, we open ourselves up to the possibility of a deeper, more authentic love—one that reflects not only our humanity but our inherent worth.
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